The Power in Powerlessness and the Secret of Surrender

Step One, “We admitted that we were Powerless over whatever; alcohol, gambling, sex, over eating, you name it—that our lives had become unmanageable.” Step Two, “We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to Sanity.” Step Three, “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.” The first three Step of Twelve, the foundation on which Alcoholics Anonymous has been built, the Twelve Steps detailed in the Big Book , guiding principles for recovery of addictive, compulsive or other behavioral problems. This global fellowship helps introduce and support millions to a free Recovery fellowship. Obviously, there are many schools of though and paths to Recovery and Sobriety, which to me are all about finding Serenity. Sober is defined as being serious or subdued in demeanor, habit, grave, sedate and Serene is defined as being content, composed, of sound mind, calm. It turns out that Serenity and Sobriety can be illusive and difficult to come by, especially if your mind is negatively influenced by substances, rogue or obsessive thoughts, mood disorders or other dis-ease. I’ve long pondered the Serenity prayer, way before I actually understood that the prayer was associated with AA. It is a truly remarkable prayer, a mere three pleas to God that articulate the first three steps. “God, Grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I Can Not Change, the Courage to Change the things I Can, and the Wisdom to Know the difference.” I can’t pinpoint when I first read or heard the Prayer or in what context, still I know that I was a preteen because I vividly remember writing it in my techno colored Peter Max Diary, the one that came complete with a small gold lock and key! I had an epiphany the very first time I read it compelling me to write it and when and once I wrote it down I felt a profound shift in my mindset, a perspective that made perfect sense and I began to see and handle life’s challenges with corrective lenses. The Serenity Prayer has come to feel like a childhood friend and has at many times in my life been a mantra that I would cling to with all my might. In recent years I’ve delved into the 12 Steps and incorporated many components of the program into my daily life. The ”Steps” have beautifully dovetailed with strategies, therapies and practices that I ‘ve cultivated over many years that support my ability to maintain agency over my actions, moods, thoughts and ideas. To cope with the trauma, stress, anxiety, grief and depression that accompanied my Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis, I have become educated in Yoga, Meditation, Mindfulness, Mental Health, Grief, Trauma, Functional Medicine, Alternative Therapies, Ayurveda and of course Multiple Sclerosis. In the 30 years since my diagnosis, I have learned much about the Body, Mind and Spirit connection, and how to fine tune practices that positively support my ability to stay connected and access the present moment. The Twelve Steps are effective in recovery for addictions, compulsions and other Mind Health matter because just like MS, they are chronic, progressive , life threatening diseases that have no cures. I have had to learn how to live with my Dis-ease, and the subsequent diseases that came with my package of Multiple Sclerosis. No matter what ails us the focus on self care becomes monumental in that it impacts on all aspects of how well we are able to function. Twelve Step Programs are not the answer for all, but there is merit in examining any program that helps one find clarity and calm, so please as they say at meetings: “Take what you like and leave the rest.”

Recently, I began attending Al Anon meetings where the only requirement is that you are concerned about someone’s drinking, and really I do not know anyone who has not been impacted by alcohol in some way. The Twelve Steps have proven useful in my personal mental health maintenance, my own recovery so to speak because these steps require that your turn your attention inwards and engage in self examination and accountability for your own actions. It’s a Spiritual Program not aligned with any Religious or Political organizations, and I am very comfortable in that lane as I have always been on a Spiritual journey. Over the years I have developed my practices, rituals that help me to navigate through life. On a daily basis I practice Yoga, Meditation and Gratitude and I make a concerted effort to be outdoors and get sunlight on my face…..15 minutes a day, minimally. These practices, rituals have become touchstones for me in my daily life and have helped me in so many ways to maintain clarity of mind, agility in my body and contentment in spirit. Aristotle, said “We are what we repeatedly do, Excellence then is not an act, but a Habit.” AA is a spiritual program that asks you to develop some habits of self care and self examination, all the while sharing your experiential knowledge giving others hope, strength and wisdom in fellowship. By adding the Twelve Steps to my self care, I have found a powerful aide in my quest to maintain agency over my negative thoughts, self criticism, and overall anxiety… so let me brake it down for you:

Step 1: We admitted that we were Powerless over Alcohol, and that our lives have become unmanageable. I’m not gonna lie, admitting powerless bothered me, how can I have no power, no influence on matters great or small that impact my life. Admitting Powerlessness led to several lengthy conversations with people I know and respect, I was curious about how other read Step One. On the surface Step One, admitting that I am powerless over Alcohol seemed a really big ask. I have always believed that the Mind is powerful medicine and I have been attentive to my Mental Health in earnest. I sincerely believe that I possess and exert significant power, that I can and do in fact move energies around…we all do…as examples, the energy in a smile, a cry, a laugh, a hug. I’m a Certified Level 2 Reiki practitioner and believe to my core that I am Powerful, very Powerful, so to throw up my hands and admit powerlessness made me feel as is I was losing my life force if you will. In fact and as a matter of practice, when I admitted powerlessness just the opposite happened and I freed myself from the tyranny of my own ego, holding myself accountable for things beyond my control, beyond any human beings control. When I was diagnosed with MS nearly 30 years ago, I never asked Why me? but I did feel as if I must have done something “wrong” that opened the door and invited Multiple Sclerosis to unceremoniously high jack my life. I imagine others who live with chronic, life threatening illnesses might feel the same way, still for me the Trauma Responses and related Grief associated with my MS diagnosis played a huge part in how I viewed my circumstance, and for me to admit powerlessness over my Dis-ease seemed unthinkable…I was going to FIGHT, be STRONG, BEAT it…No Not Me F… MS, you got the wrong girl!!!! Immediately taking that posture when I was diagnosed sent me down a rabbit whole, all the while I was fighting, exerting hoards of energies into that fight, energies that I did not have to spare, anyone living with chronic illness know that Energy is precious and exceedingly valuable. Trying to exert Power over my dis-ease made me Powerless as I became drained of the emotional and physical energies needed to cope with and understand my Dis-ease. Admitting powerlessness came to me when I was able to connect my body, mind and spirit and had a spiritual awakening. That spiritual awakening can only be described as clarity of mind that then informed me and directed me to more productive ways in which I could approach my situation. Admitting Powerlessness strengthened my ability to maintain and grow agency over how I lived with MS and I was then able to use that energy to become educated in areas that impact my mind health and physical wellness making me better able to deal with all aspects of my dis-ease. So many people are eulogized as a Fighter till the end, he battled and she fought whatever dis-ease till their last breath, and believe me I understand that mindset that mentality, I had it for quite a while, years in fact, still that thinking made me come undone. I’ve learned to trust my intuition and lean into my own healing abilities, to keep an open mind and explore all avenues of wellness. I exert power for the things that I can influence, my mind, thoughts, moods, expressions of gratitude and kindness. By admitting Powerlessness, I absolved myself of the notion that if I was a better fighter I could have spared myself DIS-EASE. There is a unique Power in admitting Powerlessness, a release of the responsibility and inclination to force something that simply will not budge, as it is firmly steeped in its own identity. Admitting Powerlessness Empowered me to release all the guilt and shame surrounding my diagnosis, and of the notion that I was responsible in some way for my Dis-Ease. I have learned that you can be both Powerless and Powerful at the same time, and it took me many years of study and practice to truly grasp and finally embody this notion.

Step Two, “Came to believe in a Power, greater than ourselves could restore us to Sanity” was relatively easy for me to embrace and has served me in the most remarkable ways. Divinity indeed should not be confused with my Religion. I’m emotionally attached to the traditions of my Jewish heritage that hails from Greece and I raised my family practicing those traditions. My ideas about God are not really steeped in my religion, nor are they attached to any organized religion. My understanding of God has come from my spiritual journey and awakening when a Power Greater than myself became apparent in my life. In no short measure, my ability to admit powerlessness lies in my knowing that there is a Power Greater. That Greater Power, that you may call God, Jesus, Hashem, Allah, I call Grace. For me God is Grace, a power, an energy, force, a vibration….Grace is my Higher Power. In my meditations and prayers over the years, I have heard whispers in my mind, where Grace (God) gives voice to my intuition and knowing, and I have felt shivers and chills up my spine when some truth has been heard in the quiet of my mind. Grace, has been present and active in my life, so much so that after being confined to a wheelchair for 5 year, during which time I broke my ankle, had surgery and went to rehab I am now actually walking. After five years of no mobility, no ability to ambulate I am now able walk again with a cane. My recovery, or maybe in the MS world my remission at this time is nothing less than miraculous. I’m not certain why there has been such a profound change in my ability to ambulate as I am currently on no medications, none what so ever and the most remarkable things have happened for me. Grace has taken away the chronic physical pain that is endured for close to twenty five years. Pain quite bluntly is a mind-f-k, really there is no other way to describe it and honestly pain has been the most difficult aspect of my dis-ease to mange both physically and mentally. Chronic pain wears you down, makes you vulnerable for long periods of time periods of time, disrupts a persons life and I am sure that Grace has saved me time and time again when pain blurred my vision, corrupted my thoughts, inflicted harm to my body making me feel hopeless and helpless.

Step Three: “We made a decision to turn our lives and our will over to the care of God, as we understood Him.” For me Step Three came before I ever climbed Steps One and Two. Fortunately, I had made the decision to turn my life and will over to God, after a spiritual awakening that I had shortly after I began practicing Yoga and Meditation on a daily basis as an adult. My understanding of God as Grace has been pretty long standing, I just named her Grace a few years back. Grace does the work of God, is the agent of God, “Amazing Grace, how sweet a sound” and so I think Grace sounds like, a baby’s coo, the rain, a cry, a laugh …or like the anthem America the Beautiful, “ For amber waves of grain, For purple mountain majesties above the fruited plain! America, America! God shed his Grace on thee, and crown thy good with Brotherhood, from sea to shining sea. Crown thy Good, with Brotherhood! what a lyric.….connecting us, bestowing, crowing is with fellowship. I believe that human beings want to experience and express empathy, compassion and connect in community, supporting one another. Feelings of love, patriotism, fellowship and belonging are so much healthy than anger, prejudice, division, contention and hatred. I have always seen divinity an omnipresent force, an energy and entity that protects and saves. My life has been an endless spiritual endeavor, where I know and feel Grace in the most miraculous ways and I endeavor to feel Grace in every moment I live and in every step I take. The decision to turn my life and my will over to the care of God fortified my focus and commitment to self care, so that I work in tandem with Grace and know that she is always there.

As always, much love & light,

Stephanie